


I Can Hold You

by sidekikcs



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Anxiety Attacks, M/M, Panic Attacks, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-14
Updated: 2014-08-14
Packaged: 2018-02-13 03:59:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,701
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2136183
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sidekikcs/pseuds/sidekikcs
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Whenever Steve hears a sound that reminds him of gunfire or explosions, he forgets he's not in the war. He just needs someone to help him remember where he is.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Can Hold You

**Author's Note:**

> i got this from a marvel headcanon blog. 
> 
> not beta'd

The first time Steve hears a car backfire in his apartment (which, SHIELD had decided, was to be placed in Brooklyn, where he used to live, because _that_ doesn't make him incredibly depressed), he wakes with a jolt and only sees darkness. He feels his heart race and he can't breathe, he's shaking and he feels hot. It must be an explosion, he has to find his troops, he needs to...

He shakes his head and blinks, grabbing at his chest as he tries to calm himself down. His eyes focus, and he sees that he's safe, in his room, in his apartment, in Brooklyn, in the new century. He's not in the war anymore.

Steve takes a deep breath, and when he exhales, his entire body shakes. He feels that his eyes are wet, but no tears have fallen down his face. Or, they might have, but he's sweating, so he can't tell.

He reaches over and turns on the lamp beside his bed. His room is just as he left it, before he'd gone to bed four hours before. He stands slowly, his knees are so wobbly that he thinks his legs might give out under him, and walks over to his window at an equally slow pace.

Outside, he can see a clunky jalopy crawling up the street, with plumes of black exhaust puffing out behind it. Steve feels relief, but just in case, he walks over to his closet where he keeps his uniform and the shield, and grabs the shield and places it by his bed. 

When it happens again, several nights later, Steve _swears_ it's gunfire. He jumps out of his bed, grabs his shield, and drops to his knees on the ground, curling himself in a ball so his shield will cover his body completely. There's more popping, and Steve begins to shout orders to his men. 

He places a hand on the ground so he can spring up and attack, but when he does, he realizes that he's on carpet. He slowly lowers his shield, and looks around him. He's in his apartment. 

This time, he throws his shield to the ground and stomps over to his window, even as his chest feels tight and his breathing is short and irregular, and looks out. There's a group of teenagers setting off small fireworks in the streets. He grunts and slams the window shut hard enough that cracks appear on the wall beneath it.

He grabs his shield, walking back to his bed, but then another firework pops outside his window and Steve flinches. He's so mad he thinks he might call the police, but as he's laying in bed minutes later, trying to get back to sleep, he hears shouting and sees blue and red lights flickering against his ceiling, coming from outside. 

He smiles to himself. He sleeps for almost six hours after that.

It happens one last time before Steve decides that he needs to get some help. This time, it's a television from an apartment close to his playing an action movie so loud that Steve can clearly hear an explosion and feel the vibrations of it. He's out of bed and behind his shield in seconds, calling out a name. He calls out Bucky's name. He calls out the names of the Commandos.

He hears nothing in return, but the explosions still come and the vibrations still ring beneath his feet. He turns to run. He goes and goes until he feels the edge of his sink hit him straight in the gut. The wind is knocked out of him and he can hear the sound of something cracking. He doesn't feel any pain, so he doesn't know what it is.

He feels around him, thinking he might've fallen down, and finds that there's nothing but empty air around him. He places his hands in front of him to push himself off the ground (the explosions have stopped for the time being, but he knows there will be more) and finds himself pressing against a cold, hard, flat surface.

He blinks. He can see himself from the glow of the moon shining directly into his window. He's in his bathroom. He's up against the mirror.

He drops his shield and holds onto the sink. His stomach churns, he's shaking, and he's barely able to turn on the bathroom light before he's running to the toilet and crouching over it, dry heaving into the bowl.

Nothing comes out of his mouth, although he does taste bile, but he stays on his knees hugging the toilet bowl until his breathing regulates and he stops shaking enough that he can stand on his feet.

He can barely pick up his shield as he exits the bathroom, tossing a glance at the sink. He pushed it into the wall a little. He's gonna have to fix that.

He crawls back into his bed, curling the sheets around him and clutching the shield to his chest. Tears are threatening to spill. His breath catches in his throat and a sob wrenches out. The vibrations continue, but now Steve can tell that it's coming from a movie and he's able to calm down a little.

He doesn't sleep that night. Or most other nights.

"Something's wrong, Cap, and I'm not going to stop bugging you until you tell me," Tony tells him. "I'm not gonna stop bugging you, even then. Not until you feel better."

"I'm okay, Tony," Steve says with a weak smile. "I'm just having trouble sleeping. I usually do, because of the serum. Gives me too much energy to get a really deep sleep, y'know?"

"You look like you haven't slept in _weeks_ , Steve," Tony says. Steve blinks and turns way from him. Tony reaches out to touch him and Steve gasps and pulls away, scurrying on his feet several inches away from Tony.

Tony looks surprised at first, and then he looks sad and Steve can't handle Tony looking at him like that.

Steve sighs. "I'm gonna get help."

"Are you?" Tony asks, completely unconvinced. 

"I will," Steve insists. "I promise."

Tony frowns. "Why don't you tell me?"

"You wouldn't understand."

"I bet I could," Tony says. "We're not that different, you and I."

Steve smiles a little. "We're pretty different, Tony. Besides... we don't really know each other that well."

"We know each other pretty well, Steve," Tony corrects him. "Unless, all those times we hung out together, you were just doing it to amuse Fury, because of his whole, 'you all need to get along better' thing."

Steve shakes his head. "No, no, I hung out with you because I wanted to."

"So, you should be able to talk to me then."

Steve stares at Tony, who gives him a friendly smile in return. Steve sighs, and his voice is barely above a whisper. "I can't sleep because... sometimes, sometimes there's noises in my neighborhood. Like, a car backfiring, or firecrackers, or... stuff like that."

Tony holds up a hand. "Say no more. I know what's going on now. And I already have a solution."

Steve raises his brows. "You do?"

"I've had a floor ready for you here in the tower for weeks now. I've just been waiting, because I didn't want to take you out of Brooklyn if you didn't want to leave. Do you want to leave now?"

Steve grabs his right arm with his left hand and grips it tight. "I... I don't know. I just- I know that I should get professional help, because I like being in Brooklyn, so I don't want to leave, but I can't-I've broken a lot of things in my apartment because when there's these noises I just freak out and-"

Tony steps closer to him and grabs his face. Steve's about to pull away, but then he feels Tony's thumbs swipe under his eyes, and he realizes he's crying.

Tony drops his hands from Steve's face and Steve buries his head in his hands. "I'm sorry, Tony, I didn't mean to... to get so... well, I-"

"Don't apologize," Tony says sternly. "You never have to apologize for how you feel. Now, about your apartment."

-

Days later, Tony's completely gotten Steve moved onto his floor, which is just below the penthouse where Tony stays.

As they're standing in Steve's room, surrounded by boxes, Tony asks, "Do you want help unpacking?"

Steve shakes his head. "No, I've got it. But, thanks. For everything. Thank you."

Tony smiles and walks out of the room, leaving Steve to decorate his floor identical to how he decorated his apartment.

There's no noises that startle him again for a week, but then Clint decides to watch a war movie, and Steve, who doesn't want to yell at Clint (because he probably doesn't know about Steve's... condition, or whatever, so it's not his fault), but his shield isn't nearby anymore like it was at his apartment, so he begins to panic, and he runs over to the panel in his room that patches into other rooms, and randomly presses the button to Tony's lab.

"Hello?" He asks in a panicked, shaking voice.

"Steve?" Tony calls out.

"Tony? Are you awake? Are you busy?"

"Not really. I mean, yes, I'm awake, but I'm not too busy. Are you okay?"

Steve takes a deep breath. _Don't lie to him_.

"No."

Steve's invited down to Tony's lab, and when he arrives, Tony passes him a water bottle and a doughnut (that seems far too fresh for the time of night). Steve doesn't trust his stomach to hold the doughnut, but he does drink the water bottle down. He sits at one of the stools across from Tony, who asks him if he wants to talk.

For some reason, being around Tony calms his nerves, so Steve shakes his head and watches Tony work, and listens to Tony complain about how much he hates having to go to business meetings that take longer than an hour.

-

Months later, in the times that Steve has a bad dream or forgets that he's not in the war anymore, Tony's right there in the bed next to him to calm him down.

**Author's Note:**

> just a lil drabble. hope y'all liked it!


End file.
